Week 8 : A low point.Edit

SUSTAINABLE PROSPECTS PROJECT DEVELOPMENT WEEK 8

13th November 2019

In June 2019 I started my MA with Falmouth university as part of an accredited education programme.

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SUSTAINABLE PROSPECTS PROJECT DEVELOPMENT WEEK 8 – EXPERIMENTATION - https://www.bambino-art.co.uk/sustainable-prospects-project-development-week-8-experimentation/

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I want nothing more than to quit the MA right now.

I probably shouldn’t be writing about this here. I will probably end up deleting it. But it is all real, and a part of the process, so for now it stays.

I probably shouldn’t even be effected by it all. But I am.

Trying to do this MA, whilst home educating, running two businesses, and having some horrid things happen personally, is weighing me down more than anything.

I was thinking of emailing the course leader to find out what happens if you quit after two modules, do you keep those marks and can roll them over to come back another year, or are they all just gone forever. Irrelevant.

Do I even need the MA for this project , could I not continue without it , have much less stress, much less debt, and a lot more free time on the evenings !

At the moment, my younger kids go to bed at 8pm(ish) and I am working through from then till 2am every morning, and although it’s only 3.5 weeks to the end of this module, I am not sure I can keep going with this much work, for that long . My household harmony is suffering. Now I am panicked someone from the council will see this and think I am not home educating my children correctly, or they are not ‘harmonious’, and then social services will get called.

How do I show this in my project ? The fact that I am making a project about the ‘reality’ of home education, whilst seriously worrying that someone will think I am neglecting their education because I am doing something ‘for myself’, is a perfect reason for WHY this project needs to be made. We live in constant fear. Nice families, with homes full of love and laughter, children who are happy, and free, and kind, are living with the constant shadow that if they take a single step wrong, they will have more severe repercussions.

It is not right. I should be able to moan about my day without worrying that it will mean a knock on my door ! Surely everyone deserves that right?

Completing a project on home education, or alternative education is not all roses. I panic that someone will find it and it will draw focus to us, attention where it is not wanted. I have nothing to fear, nothing to hide, my children’s education is awesome, but it doesn’t mean you want involvement from the council. I have heard horror stories from families all over the Uk about council workers over stepping their legal boundaries. These are not whispers on the grapevine , we are talking about families who have had the shadow of social services over their head for 12 months whilst they prove they have done nothing wrong, nothing illegal, just made a choice to take a different path.

Am I just being selfish trying to do this MA for myself whilst getting one son through GCSE’s and the other through A-Levels ? Maybe ?

I haven’t even started my oral presentation because I am so focused on my work in progress, and have 13 photoshoots before the end of the module to do. Also as the WIP was 60% of the mark, I have been focusing on that, which is now making me panic, especially given my recent feedback.

I am tired, exhausted, had a really hard family bereavement, I’ve been ill in hospital and am still not well, I have squeezed 5 photoshoots into 2.5 days, and I do NOT cope well with negative comments on my work, or feedback in general at all I am coming to realise. I had the exact same thing last module, one tutors’ negative comments made me want to just run away and hide, and the same thing has happened again. I fixate on the negative.

This week I had the comment from one of the tutors that the images from my project look staged, fake, that the parents are obviously aware I am there. The suggestion was that I should just sit and watch and wait , that is so hard to hear, as it is literally the whole premise of what my business is built on. I am a birth photographer, if I can’t be quiet and sit and wait in the corner for the perfect moment, what exactly am I doing with my life ? Have I been failing at it all along?

( EDITING TO ADD ON 23.11.19 I GOT OVER THIS VERY QUICKLY I WAS FAR TOO BUSY TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY. BUT I DID THINK ABOUT THIS MORE – WHY DO THE IMAGES APPEAR FAKE. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT IS WITHIN THE ALTERNATIVE EDUCATION COMMUNITY THAT I HAVE SHOWN THE IMAGES TOO ARE DISCUSSING HOW REAL AND BEAUTIFUL THE CONNECTIONS ARE. NOW THIS COULD BE AN ARTISTIC DIFFERENCE AND THATS FINE. BUT I HAVE ALSO BEEN CONSIDERING THE POSSIBILITIES IT LOOKS FAKE BECAUSE WE ARE NOT USED TO SEEING IT. WE ARE NOT USED TO SEEING PARENTS HAPPILY ENGAGING WITH THEIR CHILDREN, LEARNING WITH THEM AND FROM THEM. ENJOYING THESE TASKS. WE ARE USED TO HEARING ABOUT HOW HARD PARENTING IS, HOW MUCH CHILDREN SCREAM AND CRY … AND HERE’S THE KICKER …. HOW PEOPLE CAN NEVER GET THEIR KIDS TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK …. BUT THIS IS THE POINT, THIS IS WHY WE CHOOSE THIS PATH, BECAUSE AS HARD AS IT IS, AS TRYING AS IT IS, AS EXHAUSTING AS IT IS, WE ABSOLUTELY ADORE IT. AND THATS WHY IT LOOKS FAKE. BECAUSE WE AREN’T USED TO SEEING IT, BECAUSE THE SYSTEM TELLS US, SOCIETY TELLS US IN THE IMAGERY WE ARE SUBJECTED TO RELENTLESSLY DAY IN DAY OUT, THAT PAST TODDLER AGE, IT JUST ISN’T POSSIBLE TO ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN APART FROM IF YOU ARE ON HOLIDAY, OR ON A SPECIAL DAY OUT, OR ARE BUYING THEM BIG EXPENSIVE PRESENTS ….. THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT AND POIGNIANT PART OF THIS PROJECT. TO SHOW THAT IT IS REAL, IT IS HAPPENING EVERYDAY, CHILDREN NOT CRYING BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, NOT SCREAMING BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO WORK, BUT ENGAGED AND FOCUSSED AND LOVING THEIR LIVES. CHILDREN ….. BEING….. HAPPY.)

My lighting and composition was also a subject of needing more work. I think what I am finding frustrating about this, aside from my pride taking a battering obviously which is always hard, is that last module I got a really good grade for my WIP and was consistently told the images were really well composed , and very well lit, that technically the images were extremely good (even though my use of black and white was in question).

However here I am being told that technically they aren’t that good. Considering I changed my working style from b&w to colour this module on the advise,  of the tutors, that is excruciating , as it appears that I did what was asked of me, and my work has suffered for it.

It may well not all be the switch from black and white to colour, or that it’s winter now & the light is different, but still it is hard to hear. Also, being totally honest, I was really happy with my images from this module so far, specifically the lighting and colours in them. To hear that you aren’t doing well is hard, to hear you aren’t doing well on something that you thought you were in-fact doing really well on, is just painful.

( EDITED TO ADD 23.11.19 I HAVE GONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER THIS , AND I JUST CANNOT FATHOM IT. THE COLOURS IN SOME OF THE IMAGES ARE WEEK, THAT IS UNDENIABLE, BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T BEEN EDITED AT ALL. 99.9 % OF THE IMAGES IN THESE PROJECT DEVELOPMENT POSTS WEEK BY WEEK, ARE STRAIGHT OUT OF CAMERA, I DON’T STAGE ANYTHING, AND I ONLY USE AVAILABLE LIGHT. SO COLOURS CAN BE A BIT OFF SOMETIMES. THAT CAN BE TWEAKED POST PRODUCTION. AS MUCH AS I PREFER GETTING IT CORRECT IN CAMERA, SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY INDOORS THATS JUST NOT POSSIBLE. HOWEVER LIGHT WISE…… I AM LOST. I LOVE THE DRAMA AND CINEMATIC FEEL ON SOME OF THE IMAGES I HAVE BEEN PRODUCING THIS MODULE. OVERALL I ACTUALLY LOVE THE LIGHTING AND EXPOSURE, SO I AM JUST LOST ON THIS. MAYBE I CAN’T SEE WITH THAT TUTOR SEES, OR MAYBE IT IS A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, AND THATS FINE. BUT ULTIMATELY IF YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY TRY HARD TO SEE, AND YOU STILL CAN’T , YOU EVENTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION TO LET IT GO, MOVE FORWARD AND KEEP PRODUCING WHAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT, WHAT YOU LOVE, AND HOW YOU VISUALISE YOUR WORK.)

I of course have also had lots and lots of really really helpful comments and feedback over the module , but because I am exhausted, and in the last stretch I am focusing too much on these things I see as negatives. I swore I was going to work on receiving feedback last module, it doesn’t seem to be going very well !

( AGAIN I WORKED ON THIS, AND WELL, I GOT OVER IT VERY QUICKLY. CONTINUED TRYING TO WORK ON MY COMPOSITION, LIGHTING AND COLOURS AS WE ALWAYS DO, AND JUST *DID* TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY)

 

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